Me again...I got caught up with life, but here I am again. Space, what is space? Something people need? Heard that line one too many times before. It'll be ok...don't worry - heard those too. So depressed. I just want to drink this weekend away. Or sleep it away.
But guess what? Still not smoking! It's hard though...very. I really hate this life. My phone hasn't rang in over 24 hours.
Okay, I'm really depressed. It's the Holidays again. This is going to be the test of me not smoking. I know why I hate the winter, because I am alone and it's soooo cold. I am a people person and it is harder for me to get out. Actually, I can get out but I would much rather be in front of a fireplace relaxing with the one I love with a glass of wine or hot chocolate! The one I love...that's another story! Oh to be loved by the one I love. I just feel all alone right now and it's only just begun.
I have so much to do today. Am hoping I get to see Timmy, not really looking all that good though. I think him and Sin are going to a party. Since he won't tell her he's dating, I get left out. I do have one thing I can hold onto though - the fact that she bought a piano. She bought it, gave him the bill because it is going to be his anyway. Does that mean that she isn't coming back? I'm hoping so. But, I don't really think I believe that Tim won't let her back into his life the way things are. Just look...actions definitely speak louder than words. Look where she is now! Just trying to keep the peace? Why? And, for what? So they can act like a family? See, he is already showing signs he would put up with her. After all, they have so much history. And, who cares if it is disfunctional...the kids will be happier this way - or will they? I guess they will never know. At least not at this rate.
Okay, that was just a stream of consciousness. I really am depressed. I feel ugly, fat (not my swimsuit model figure), white - and all alone. Don't see a lot of hope for the near future either. All this and I have to spend money I don't really have for Christmas presents. Oh well, it will work out - it always does. Unfortunately for me, it always works out with me not getting the boy. Cold and alone again, naturally.
It's Thanksgiving night and I am still stuffed! I am going to have to get back to my workout routine...by myself and with Timmy!
Played dominos tonight with my parents, Steph and Wendy. I lost - surprise surprise! I sat next to my mom and she likes to play dirty! Plus, I think it is just the luck of the dice/dominos.
Pretty boring day actually, miss Tim. Kinda jealous of Sin because she got to spend the holiday with him. Working on it though. Just can't help it. Well, it's just plain wrong. She left, treats everyone bad, yet she just walks right back? And, to make matters worse, everything is going just fine. But who am I kidding? She never left, she's there every day. Where do I fit in? ;-(
This could be an interesting weekend. Timmy and his family are visiting out of town family...the estranged wife is going along. That's got to be just a little uncomfortable, but maybe he doesn't feel the same way. I happen to think this will be in my favor, but who knows anymore! I'm thinking she is going to drive him crazy and/or he's going to get on her nerves. Or, maybe I should say I am hoping that will happen. Or...it could go totally different than I am hoping. They could get along sooo good that she decides to try to work on the marriage. I'm not banking on it working that way!
Well, I'm tired of thinking about what may happen. It is out of my hands - oh yeah...it always has been! My parents are staying with me so I need to get going.
I don't even know where to start...I have so many thoughts running through my head!
Tonight I came to the realization that the words that come out of my mouth don't mean a damn thing! I am such a worm... I want so much to be strong, but my heart won't let me.
I really didn't mean to get so emotional tonight, it just happened. I cried all the way home - I think I needed it! Crying has a way of cleansing the soul.
I love the song with Santana, it makes me think of you...
Since I spotted you - it's like walking around with wings on my shoes,
my stomachs feeled with butterflies,
mmmm, but that's alright,
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud,
got the feeling like I'm not going to come down,
if I said I didn't like it I lied.
When's this fever gonna break,
I think I've handled more than any man (woman) can take,
I'm like a love sick puppy chasing you around, it's alright,
Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end,
about the same time you walk by and I say here we go again....
Every time I try to talk to you I get tongue tied, turns out
everything I say to you comes out wrong and never turns out right, so I say...
why don't you and I get together, take on the world and be together forever, heads we will, tails we'll try again, why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon and straight on to heaven, cause without you they won't even let me in.
Okay, maybe this was boring to you...but I really relate to songs, this is my life and the way I feel. Sometimes I feel like we flipped on tails and we are trying again. Most of the time I feel like we flipped on heads....and we will live together forever! Tonight I am just being emotional.
Can you blame me? I really don't feel like I am asking for much. I just want to love and be loved...okay, it has to be by the one I love! There always has to be a catch!!!!!
Stopped on the way home to get a couple bottles of wine...feeling a little better now after having another glass. Ernie probably thinks I'm crazy...can't tell you how many times I had to listen to the song (loudly), to get the words. Okay, they aren't probably written the way they were sang, but...
As always and forever, I love you. So do you think less of me because I can't stand up for myself where you are concerned? Oh, I don't really think that is true - I really think if I got tired of it I would be gone... I just love you so much. Sorry for the inconvenience of the timing...
It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside,
It's not one of those you can easily hide,
I know it's not much...
It's the best I can do - this love's for you!
I'm being mushy tonight...haven't seen him today, wow, one whole day and I'm having withdrawls. What is wrong with me? Am I being too smothering? How much is too much? I think it all depends on who the affections are towards and if they want them or not. I really hope I'm not like the guys that really get on my nerves...but I don't care for them at all! Doesn't that make a difference?
Here I am worried about the one I love and if he loves me. My best friend growing up's son (really our first born because I took care of him alot) is now in Iraq and in Mosul. I am watching the news and they just said something about 2 soldiers being killed in Mosul and dragged and crushed with concrete blocks! Tears came to my eyes thinking of Brian. That little boy I loved so much is in Mosul... How can I worry so much about my love life when his life is hanging by a thread? We really forget about how delicate life is until something happens. Maybe that is why I want to live life to the fullest and have someone in my life (namely Tim...cause it has to be who I love) to spend my time with and love and he loves me back! That give and take, ying and yang...the love of my life - we treat each other with respect and love. Is that asking for too much? I think we all deserve it!
Anyway, have so much to say but don't really want to talk much more about it. Met some more of Tim's people...made me feel good, but did it really matter? Tim needs to make up his own mind. He is the one that has to live with it...nobody else. why does he need confirmation on something he already knows the answer? Who knows!!! All I know is that I don't need confirmation on my feelings. I don't care what anyone thinks about it...these are my feelings, can't help the way I feel.
Okay, by for now and as always...love ya honey! Maybe you'll figure it out one of these days? ;-)